Doing a boudoir shoot has been a bucket list dream of mine since I was a teenager- but frankly, I didn’t feel like I could (or was worth it) for decades. I am someone who has struggled with my weight and appearance for all the reasons one might imagine: the media, the fashion industry, the health and fitness sector… and I also struggled with myself.

I struggled with feeling connected to myself and my body my entire life. The external factors were things I internalized, but I had also lived almost my entire 35 years feeling like I couldn’t understand my body or my mind. Every time I tried to make a change in my behavior or thinking I would fail. I knew I had anxiety, and I knew that the external factors were logically bullshit, but my inability to logic myself into acceptance left me tired, resentful, and feeling like my body was an alien enemy rather than my home.

A few things changed over the last few years. When COVID hit, I slowly made a conscious choice in the chaos to move into neutrality towards my body. It was hard work- but I tried to accept the fact that from a health standpoint, I was spiraling between an excessive amount of stress, my anxiety, and disordered eating. And after a few years of working on that, two things happened:

1. I found out that I’m Autistic, which opened up a whole new level of understanding of why I had been struggling despite all my attempts to “change” my whole life.
2. I found Joni and her studio through a magical convergence of the TikTok algorithm and the universe.

I was going through so many things emotionally and mentally that were hard, but validating, at that point, and I knew it was culminating into something bigger for myself. I took the leap to tell myself now was the time to stop putting off things I had wanted because I was afraid or felt like I didn’t “deserve” them because I had always envisioned myself looking or feeling a certain way before I would be worthy of that investment in myself.

My biggest fear wasn’t doing the process itself but being afraid that I’d be disappointed or hate myself in my photos. Not because of Joni’s work, but because I was still actively fighting a lot of my negative self-talk that was creeping back in. I was worried that all the makeup and artistry in the world couldn’t cover up that maybe I was lying to myself about how I was starting to feel confident in my body.

That started to subside the second I walked through the door, but it really hit home with the first raw photo Joni showed me on the camera after we started the shoot. I couldn’t believe how amazing it looked- and when we went to the reveal itself those doubts were completely gone within the first few images.

Outside of that fear, the logistics and the general butterfly nerves. I had about 5-6 months from booking to my shoot date, and I mostly felt nervous because it felt like I was going on a date with myself and I didn’t know what to expect, but the way the communication and process was set up by Joni and her team was so clear and collaborative I felt like my brain was my only real variable in how the day would go.

I had never felt so comfortable existing in and honoring myself. Ever.

I walked in telling myself I was calm, confident, and able to be this exposed in front of “strangers”. But from the jump I realized it didn’t have to mask- I genuinely felt that way. And while a lot of that is a result of years of hard work, a significant portion was because of Joni and her team. Everything I felt about the acceptance, empowerment, and love through the journey of finding, booking, and planning this shoot was tenfold in person.

Every hype-up was genuine. Every conversation was meaningful. Every part of this process made me feel like I didn’t just deserve to be there, but that I was wanted and valued by people who had just met me. I wasn’t a client- I was a person and a friend. And I walked into that studio being my most awkwardly Autistic self, really trying to unmask and be authentic, and I was received with enthusiasm, understanding, and joy.

I remember being very emotional on the inside during my reveal and loving every shot that was taken of me, which made choices hard! I don’t think I cried during the reveal, but I remember when it was all said and done and I was back in my car I just started sobbing because it felt like all the work I had done was worth it. I was also grieving for how long I had spent feeling unworthy of caring for my body and putting so many unrealistic expectations of myself. It was a catharsis and it was the greatest gift I had given to myself. And I know I picked the exact right people and place to experience that part of my journey with.

You deserve to feel the love, joy, and beauty your body has. You deserve to celebrate the journey you and your body have been on together and to be proud of everything you have been through and done.

Don’t put off things because you’re waiting to “earn it” or you think you have to fit into a certain box or mold to have this experience. You deserve it and are worth it simply for being you.

Take the leap. Let yourself feel the love. 💕